Sunday, August 31, 2008

an open letter to the world.

i wish men would dress better.

why do they think it's so "gay" to look nice once and a while? wear a fucking cardigan and get over it.

dear men of the universe:
v-necks. they make you automatically 5x hotter, at least. and cardigans. also, oxfords [the shirt AND the shoe, although not necessarily together.] help. please realize that cargo shorts, graphic tees with sayings like "date rapist" or whatever A&F is selling this year, northface fleece and backwards baseball hats are not cool. AND WHY THE FUCK ARE SOME OF YOU STILL WEARING ADIDAS SHELLTOES??? seriously? god dammit. oh and also, don't wear your sweet distressed denim with dress shoes and a pink express for men button up... you disgusting creep.
love always,
elyssa.


oh and while i'm at it, here's a list of things us women need to get the fuck over:
-butterfly clips. seriously. why am i still seeing these? take them, and your man's shelltoes and burn them. it's going to be good for your relationship, i swear.
-chunky frosted highlights. do you really think this looks nice? it looks like you're still using hair mascara. take that wand, and go fuck yourself.
-ugg boots with leggings. really? it's fucking cold out. we're in new hampshire. those leggings are not keeping you warm. i promise. i'll give you the uggs, because like i said, we're in new hampshire and this shit is cold, but seriously. put on some fucking pants.
-northface fleece. it's my fault for going to college, but seriously... everyone at my school is wearing these fucking ugly ass fleeces with no pants and ugg boots. go.the.fuck.away.
-if your sweatpants say anything on the ass... you should die. as if brandishing your "bootylicious" status wasn't bad enough across your tits, not you're inches away from making it your brand new lower back tattoo. bad time, people, bad times.
-which brings me to my next point, if you have to wear a shirt that announces how "single and fabulous", "punk rock", "sexy" or whatever else you want to be today... you're probably none of those things. because if you really were, you wouldn't have to go about announcing it to everyone. the same thing goes for "kiss me, i'm ...." shirts. these mean either no one would ever want to kiss you, or you're such a whore that no one really even needs a reason to. so burn them with your butterfly clips and leggings. thanks.
-handkerchief hemmed "club tops". if you are not a fairy, and you are not stevie nicks, then you have no business wearing ANYTHING with that type of hem. and no it doesn't count if you're just really into fairies. seriously.
-bad haircuts, on purpose. no matter how ironic it is... it's still a bad haircut. so i'd like to apologize to anyone who went out and copied that girl from paramore's hair... jokes on you, bitches.
-dressing like a little girl is unacceptable as well. if you look like eloise and are not a fucking fictional character, then you need to go home and change. keep the bows out of your hair and off of your shoes and grow the fuck up. you're an adult, not a toddler. and it makes men think terrible things about you. ugh.
-white flip flops. if they are even a little bit dirty, you look like a gross white trash piece of shit. i think britney walking into that gas station bathroom barefoot would have been less forgivable if she were wearing gross dirty white flip flops, so please throw yours out. besides, it's november and you're wearing them with jeans and a winter coat. you look stupid.
-coach signature bags. i hate looking at your c's, and if you're from around here you probably got it at the fairview flea market anyways, so cut the shit. coach is fine, but get a classic plain one, not some terrible patchwork monstrosity. bgryfe
-also, those bags they give you samples in at victoria's secret when you spend more than $50 are not meant to be used as your actual purse. seriously. they're completely heinous and usually very.... gold. so leave them at home. or better yet, quit purposely spending fifty bucks to get a bag full of tiny pieces of crap you obviously don't want enough to buy.
-speaking of good old vickie's... everything from the "PINK" line that isn't underwear is disgusting, and if you buy it this means you probably enjoy being date raped and playing beirut until you pass out spread eagle on the floor and then post the pictures of it on your facebook so everyone can see how much "fun" you are.
-also also, those cropped elastic bottom sweats they sell [with "pink" written on the ass, of course, as if all the guys you know don't firsthand know where the pink is already...] are not ok to wear with uggs either. sorrrryyyyyyyy.
-oh, and if you think cory kennedy is at all cool, you probably dress like a moron.



i think i'll end this for now, but expect another installment when i find the list of things girls wear that bother me... i made it in class while i was bored and looking around at all the terrible things girls wear at my school. because really... this is a terrible situation we've gotten ourselves into.

1 comment:

gabbyeisenhower said...

BHAHAH this post rules. thank you